Mar 14, 2005

If you see me at a club/bar, just tell me "no."

I hate myself right now, because during my Saturday night drunken binge, I managed to freeload about a million cigarettes from my smoker friends.

Call it what you want: denial, self loathing, delusion. I’ve never used the label “smoker” to describe my habit, because I don’t normally go out and buy cigarettes. My occasional downward spirals usually begin with me starting out at a party, bored. I bum a cig off a friend. I smoke it. I start drinking. I bum more cigs off people – even complete strangers – and smoke them. Smoking’s a disgusting habit, I know this. Couple that with the fact that I’m drunk and begging. Strangers. For cigarettes.

That’s how I was Saturday night. Sunday morning, the self-flagellation process began: My day started with a nasty-ass taste in my mouth, my hair stank like smoke, my teeth a nasty yellow. I also found two huge, unpopped blisters on my pinky toes from my too-cute-yet-uncomfy BCBG slides. The two months since my last cig-binge had been squeaky clean livin’: I was kicking ass with the cardio, I was feeling my lung capacity swell. Sunday morning, I felt like Hagzilla.

At that same party, an acquaintance of mine, who is going through a 12-step program to stop drinking, tightly clutched his six-month sobriety chip. He made it through the night without giving into his demons. Why couldn’t I do the same?

Then today, during my dad’s follow-up appointment, we learned that he needs to go back into the hospital to be re-treated. And here I am, playing Russian Roulette with my lungs, when the man I love so dearly is about to have another procedure done that can save his life.

I need to try harder.

8 comments:

Angie said...

:(
I'm sorry! I shouldn't have talked you into going.

And I'm real sorry bout your dad. Think positively.

JC said...

I quit smoking about five years ago, and whenever I go out, the urge to have a cigarette with a drink still tickles the brain.

I hope your dad gets better.

Cheers

ADAMANT said...

I hope all goes well with your Dad.

I quit Jan 1st this year so I can't talk like some Guru about what to do. It sucks when the urge hits but you know, the next morning, after you have made it through another boozey night without a Fag (just threw that in for the fun of it)...you get an even better sense of achievement.

Good luck.

Outside of the US, they do a neat little plastic cig with a nicotine capsule in it. It helped me, even when the capsules were all gone.

Allie said...

You are my No Cal doppelganger. I feel your pain sista. Good thoughts moving in your dad's direction...

Mags said...

Ang: Don't you EVEN feel bad! I had an awesome time. I just need to learn not to give in so easily!

JC: Thanks for the kind thoughts. How do you resist the urge?

Adamant: I saw Liz Hurley with one of those plastic fake cig things! I totally want one! Where can I get one? Can you hook it up?

Allie: For sure, sista. That's why I was so attracted to you and T's blog - I'm going through the same!

All: Thanks for the kind words re: my dad. I debated about whether or not to even mention it in this forum, but I decided that if I am going to do this blog thing, I have to be honest with myself and my writing. And with my audience. To conceal this very important event would be somewhat disrespectful of me. Anyway. I'll keep you guys posted. I think everything will be okay.

JetShack said...

I gave up my 15 year nicotine habit this year... I couldn't have done it without help though. I ended up using the patch... Worked wonderfully. I coupled that with a script that's running on my site counting off how long I've gone without Copenhagen... That's probably been the biggest help. Making it a public event.

Also very sorry to hear about your dad.


JetShack

ADAMANT said...

Mags, it's called the "Nicorette Inhaler".

It looks like you can order it here: http://www.cheaper-online-drugs.com/Nicorette-Patches-.html

(It's about half way down the page.) Failing that, I'm sure I can bribe my little brother no nip down to 'Boots, the chemist' and send some over. Let me know...

Tamara said...

I'm the worst at that. I feel you, girl.