Spam cracks me up.

I've been out of the office for the last two weeks, and today is my first day back.

Our company e-mail system does this thing where they filter out all your junk e-mails and sends you a daily list of junk e-mail that it's intercepted for you. You can then review the list and unjunk any legit e-mails.

Sometimes, spam still manages to hit my inbox. What's more disturbing, though, is that the sender appears to be my own work e-mail address.

Over the last two weeks, I've received quite a few e-mails with somewhat interesting subject lines. Here's a sample:

• "Stiff, long and hard rod"
• "I'm so thick now she says it hurts"
• "Never be flaccid again"
• "Don't wait to be huge"
• "Proven to work in male subjects"
• "Re: Scarlett [Johansen?] did it for cash"
• "Fit perfectly between her jugs"
• "Women will flock like bees to honey"

And my personal favorite, "With 9 inches everything is possible."

Indeed.

Aretha Does Mariah

Here's a clip (from my long-lost blog love, Crunk and Disorderly) of Aretha Franklin doing a cover of Mariah Carey's "Touch My Body."



And here's another clip (courtesy of FourFour) in which the Queen of Soul offers a little commentary on the subject:

Last-Minute Holiday Shopping

Looking for a unique gift to give that extra-special someone on your Xmas list?

How about meat perfume?

The Whopper sandwich is America's favorite burger. FLAME (TM) by BK(r) captures the essence of that love and gives it to you. Behold the scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat.

Props to the fine folks at EaterSF for the heads up.

Home Alone: The Otter Edition

From my new favorite blog.

Props to Tony for the heads up.

Adventures in Bacon

I'm simultaneously enthralled and repulsed by this:

See it in all its glory here. Props to Kenneth for the link.

Tuesday afternoon election humor

Courtesy of the HuffPo.

Tyra to John McCain: Smile with your eyes!

It's harder to do than you think. But Tyra? She's got that look down.



NOT fierce.



Props to Rich Juzwiak at FourFour for another funny clip.

Caption Contest

C'mon. Bring it.



Photo credit: REUTERS/Jim Bourg

So much for not blogging about politics.

I couldn't help myself.

************

Hey Carly! Nice save! NOT.

Carly Fiorina, a key surrogate for John McCain on economic issues, said on Tuesday that Sarah Palin does not have the experience needed to run a major company like the one that Fiorina formerly headed.

"Do you think [Sarah Palin] has the experience to run a major company, like Hewlett Packard?" asked the host.

"No, I don't," responded Fiorina. "But you know what? That's not what she's running for."

[...]

Fiorina went on MSNBC to defend her comments and decides to double down, arguing that John McCain, Barack Obama, and Joseph Biden couldn't run Hewlett Packard either. The Obama campaign, seeking to compound the fallout of her earlier statement, highlights just the portion where she talks about McCain.

"If John McCain's top economic advisor doesn't think he can run a corporation, how on Earth can he run the largest economy in the world in the midst of a financial crisis? Apparently even the people who run his campaign agree that the economy is an issue John McCain doesn't understand as well as he should," said Obama campaign spokesman Tommy Vietor.

Just sayin'.

(Props to my dawg, Ann, for the link.)


And: This is just fantastic. Just read it in its entirety.

So, when Barack Obama says he will put some lipstick on my pig, I am, like, Are you calling me a pig? If so, thanks! Pigs are the most non-Élite of all barnyard animals. And also, if you put lipstick on my pig, do you know what the difference will be between that pig and a pit bull? I’ll tell you: a pit bull can easily kill a pig. And, as the pig dies, guess what the Hockey Mom is doing? Going to her car, putting on more lipstick, so that, upon returning, finding that pig dead, she once again looks identical to that pit bull, which, staying on mission, the two of them step over the dead pig, looking exactly like twins, except the pit bull is scratching his lower ass with one frantic leg, whereas the Hockey Mom is carrying an extra hockey stick in case Todd breaks his again. But both are going, like, Ha ha, where’s that dumb pig now? Dead, that’s who, and also: not a smidge of lipstick.

A lose-lose for the pig.

There’s a lesson in that, I think.

Also: John McCain helped create the Blackberry? Somewhere out there, Al Gore feels vindicated, and I want to throw mine away.

My avoidance of political blogging, Day 39286837

This animated clip of a [hypothetical] conversation between Akon and T-Pain would sound like cracks. My. Shit. UP.

Enjoy.



Props to Chris for the heads up.

I'm not here to make friends

The ever-brilliant Rich at FourFour has compiled a montage of your favorite reality-show cliche (and mine), the ol' "I'm not here to make friends":



What's missing is a montage of clips of these brilliant Masters of the Obvious who feel the need to remind us every so often that what we are watching is, in fact, a competition. I would be as happy as a little girl to see that.

The New Yorker drops knowledge about "The Hills"

Yeah, I've watched "The Hills" voluntarily. A girl sometimes needs some mindless entertainment. But I'll never forgive Lauren Conrad, she of the "sub-Old Navy" clothing line, for blowing off a summer in Paris so that she could spend time with her boyfriend. What? WHO DOES THAT?

Anyway. I love when high-brow publications offer up commentary about vapid pop-culture institutions. In this case, The New Yorker takes on "The Hills," and the author still can't figure out why this show is so hot.

I don’t know for sure what the appeal is, even though I have worked for nine years in the building identified in the show as Teen Vogue Headquarters and some wisdom should have rubbed off on me by now. But I’m still trying to figure out why teen-agers want their bra straps to show and how it came to pass that crooked hair parts are considered chic and not a pathetic sign that you didn’t have proper mothering. So I have plenty to think about as it is. The L.A. of this show has no edge or darkness to it, and perhaps it’s easy, and pleasant, for young girls to imagine being Lauren & Co. when they grow up. (Or at least to have their teeth, which are truly spectacular.) The show’s soundtrack is all pop songs, often as many as a dozen per episode, and they tend to be programmatically upbeat or emo, underlining the three overriding and broadly painted feelings of the characters: I’m so glad; I’m so sad; and I’m so confused. These characters are now in their twenties, but they still smell like Teen Spirit.

Heh.

(Photo credit: Illustration by Quickhoney, courtesy of The New Yorker.)

Bathing With Bierko: John Malkovich

Oh man. You gotta watch this. Interview show meets bath time.

Fucking fantastic.





Thanks to BYO for the link.

Nietzsche Family Circus

As a kid, I totally hated that Family Circus comic. I found it utterly corny and trite. But this, courtesy of LosAnjealous, makes the whole thing way more palatable. Here's an example:

The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends.

Props to Scott for the link.

Freaky Friday

Since many of my beloved co-workers, some of whom read this blog, were out of the office last Friday, I thought I'd show you a graphic depiction of how my day started:



Except it wasn't a cockroach, it was a spider. And I wasn't in a news studio in front of a weather map, but inside my cube. But my reaction? Totally just like this guy. Maybe even worse, actually.

Also, I wanted to post this because it cracks me up.

Auld Lang Syne

Make It Stop: ?uestlove's reaction to "2 Girls, 1 Cup"

If you know anyone in college right now, I'm sure they've made you watch that nasty-ass flick, "2 Girls, 1 Cup." I'm not linking to that madness. You can YouTube that ish.

That video has spawned oodles of videos that highlight people's reactions to the video itself. This video, showing ?uestlove's reaction, is my FAAAAAAAVORITE. Courtesy of Nigga Know.



One love.

(If you can't see the video, click here instead.)

Wii, Wii, Wii

My cousin and her husband scored a Nintendo Wii for Xmas this year, and we spent most of Xmas eve playing tennis on the Wii. She and I were both on the tennis team in high school, which made for some pretty interesting rallies.

That being said, I think I can take on this kid - his backhand sucks:

I believe the children are our future

If I ever have a kid, I'm going to teach him/her to bust out one hell of a side eye. On cue. Like this baby:






(Props to Crunk & Disorderly for the link.)

Happy Holidays

To the two or three people who still come to this blog on the regular, and to the numbers of you still coming to this site to watch the brazilian bikini wax video or to read my Project Runway recaps, I want to wish you all the best this holiday season.

My gift to you: Some Santa kid torture pics. Don't tell me I'm not a giver. Enjoy!

I wouldn't be surprised to learn that the movie "Bad Santa" was inspired by this guy.

This one is my favorite. At least the mom took the time to pose and look at the camera while hauling away her crying kid.

Classic.

You can almost hear this one.

This one is just funny.