Apr 16, 2006

Sunday Evening Walrus Work Out Blogging

No, seriously. This walrus will get a six-pack before I do.


Anonymous said...

Ending one

Mace Windu watched Qui-Gon burn in solemn solemnity as he said, “But which was destroyed? The master or the apprentice?” And as he spoke, chancellor Palpatine came closer to pay his respects. Anakin liked the old man and, at that young age, liked to play tricks on his friends. So naturally, he felt no chagrin in using the force to place a particularly obtrusive rock in the Chancellor’s path. Not noticing so small a disturbance in the force, Palpatine tripped. And, not yet ready to reveal himself to the jedi, decided not to save himself with the force. Instead, he landed on top of Qui-gon and began to burn a bit himself. Screaming in anger he cried “Jedi scum!!!!”…..And all went quiet. Mace Windu ignited his lightsaber. “Sorry Yoda, rhetorical question.” And neatly did something with his lightsaber to bring the Chancellor’s term in office to an unusually abrupt end.

Ending two

The Senate had recently assembled to discuss some complaints from the small world of Alderran. Bail Organa was attempting once again to ban weapons from the galaxy, using, once again, the Hutts as a prime example of corruption to back his case.
The Nal Hutta representatives snickered as he glided to the platform and began his speech. “The Hutts are bad people. They like, shoot others. So we need to get rid of every gun. They’re hecka meeeeaan. And on top of that, he sticks his tongue out at me Chancellor!! It’s very rude.” Chancellor Valorum moved on the stage, “Is this true?” He asked the Hutts, barely suppressing a grin. He received a somewhat intelligible reply. “Why your lordship, we would “never” hurt a fly. Why, we have done nothing for the past dynasty but spread peace and justice throughout the galaxy with our various organizations. It’s those Jedi you really need to worry about. Swishing those things about destroying everything in their path!! I don’t see why we’re being singled out because of our arsenal while the jedi are given free reign to go about slicing and dicing everything in their path!!”
A few shouts of agreement rang through the senate, mostly because that’s about how many people could actually understand what the Hutts were saying. Shouting could be heard most noticeably from Palpatine’s stand. “YES!!” He cried. “It’s time we brought these Jedi traitors to justice. Let us create a Grand Army of the Republic to quash them and restore peace to the Galaxy! And once we’ve destroyed them and their pathetic Force, let us create the first, Galactic Empire!.. For a more secure society, and name me Emperor!” “Sir!!” His counselor was standing by him and had shut off the voice amplicator system just in time. “Sir, that’s not in the script! You’re not supposed to say that till “after” we’ve created the clone army and overrun the Republic!”
“Oh shut up you swine.” Palpatine seized control of the recording system and turned the amplifier back on, lip sinking everything that he had just said with more vigor and intensity. For a while, everyone stared. Even the Hutts stopped ranting for a moment as everyone stood stooped in confusion.
Valorum, supposing the aging senator from Naboo had either had too many death sticks, or was simply senile, called everything back to order. “Uh, yes, and on with business. Do go on, senator Organa.” But before he could start speaking one of the Hutts quickly ingested a Senator from Malastare. The poor, tanned trifocal never knew what hit him.
Naturally, Valorum began to feel a bit flustered. “None of that here, Joonda!” The Hutt grudgingly complied, but began eyeing the nervous senators of the trade federation. “Hoo hoo hoo”…..
Organa continued, “But yeah, the Hutts are just a bunch of big meanies so we have to take everyone’s weapons away before they spread their meaniness everywhere!!!” Senator Organa shouldn’t have hired a weapons dealer to be his personal assistant (Or acted like a complete care bear in front of a steadily decaying democracy), or he wouldn’t have had to worry about being flung off the edge of his seat, hurdling down hundreds of feet, as his fellow senators laughed with glee. Much to their dismay, however, he survived. And to this day, only he knows why. As well as Bob Hope and several other movie stars, unwilling to share how they faced certain movie projected deaths, and lived to tell the tale. Seeing the opportune moment at hand, Joonda quickly devoured the Viceroy, but not before the Chancellor eyed the viceroy’s empty seat, and the Hutt’s expanded cheeks.
The Chancellor sighed and nodded towards someone above the hutt’s stand. Moments later, a huge tub of salt fell over the senators of Nal Hutta. The screams of half ton slugs could be heard for miles….and the Hutt’s stand was suddenly silent, yet as smelly as ever.

Then out of the salt one of the representatives came up, struggling for air “Booga mish meir, balga donder?” No one understood a word the salt ridden slime ball was saying. He was asking for a shower and air. The Chancellor deduced this, having been through this situation many times, killing off half the Hutt family. “Hmmmm”, he mused. Then suddenly, the chamber collapsed and everyone died.

Ending three

Palpatine was striding back and forth in his office when he died of an unexpected stroke.

Ending four

Anakin wandered in to the Chancellor’s dwellings. Palpatine hadn’t asked the council’s permission for Anakin’s presence, and the boy felt something slightly amiss. He was beginning to detect some animosity between the Chancellor and the jedi, though any real resentment seemed to be emanating from the latter. He couldn’t see his noble benefactor being truly angry with anyone.
“Ah, Anakin, come in my dear boy, how are you?” The Chancellor was in a chipper mood as always. Anakin replied “I’m fine. You called me sir?”
“Yes, I had a small request to make of you, you see”. Great. Anakin sighed, now I get to be someone else’s page boy. The council’s bad enough as it is.
“I’d like you to be the eyes and ears of the Republic”
Anakin stirred out of his reverie, “Pardon sir? How do you intend to go about this? I suppose you could transfer some of my flesh into massive ears planted on each side of the galaxy, heaven knows what you’re going to do for eyes, but really, there’s not enough of me to go around, even if I could be part of such an operation.”
Palpatine had just been about to compliment Anakin for his great wisdom, as he often did while leading the boy down the dark path. Now he wasn’t sure if he could do so and keep a straight face. He knew Anakin wasn’t the brightest pallie in the jedi order, but really. How “stupid” could the boy be?
“Um….”He pondered a moment looking for the right words, “have you been having nightmares lately Anakin?”
“Of who?”
“Someone close to you?”
“Careful you must be when…..” And the Chancellor cut himself off, absolutely disgusted with himself for saying the wrong scripted lines, and “Yoda’s” no less.
“I mean, Anakin, I want you to be my personal representative on the Jedi Council”
“They won’t let me sir.”
“Why not?”
“I’m beginning to question that myself.”
Palpatine nodded in understanding, “They don’t trust you Anakin.”
Anakin looked up in confusion, “They trust me with their lives!”
“ah, silly me..”
“What?” The boy was thinking awfully hard. Palpatine almost cringed at the look on Anakin’s face. It looked quite painful. And he began to question whether or not he had made the right choice in choosing his new apprentice….
“What do you want.” It wasn’t a question.
“Your soul!!!!!”
“You’re the Sith Lord!!!” Anakin whizzed up his lightsaber right up to the chancellor’s face.
“Uh….maybe I am, maybe I’m not. Are you sure?”
Anakin’s blade shook. He was trying to think it through again. “You know, you should probably stop doing that and relax once in a while, you’re going to kill yourself one of these days” Palpatine commented. Suddenly, he saw an alternate future of Anakin’s fate as his apprentice and started laughing at himself for the allusion he had inadvertently created.
“Look will you be quiet, I know, I’m thinking.”
Anakin was still trying to figure everything out. His face didn’t need to be burnt, thought sidious. Those creases in Anakin’s forehead that resulted from overthinking looked more like battle scars from a wookie.
I don’t know how Padme fell for him, he thought……Padme, the would-be emperor thought with fury. She was supposed to be his. After all, he had protected her, given her encouragement during the Naboo invasion. If she could overlook the fact that he was 600 years older than she and had tried to kill her on several occasions they would be perfect together. But nooo, this big mass of muscle and force, completely devoid of any mental capacities had won her over with his perfect set of teeth and wiry frame. He had hoped Dooku cutting off Ani’s right arm would have done something, but the stinking Nubians made him a mechanical arm which, if anything, made her more affectionate. He hated super models with a passion.
“She’s mine!!!” He cried. “She should be mine! Give her to me!!” Having shot his lightsaber into his hands, he leapt at Anakin, who was still stooped in thought. And at just the right moment, Anakin had a nervous breakdown, and collapsed while Sidious shot out the window and fell to his doom, shooting out lightning at everything that came close. “POOOWWER!!!! ULTIMATE POOOWWWERR!!! DDAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!” Were his last words as he fell to the depths of Courcsant. The Jedi mourned his passing, never knowing Anakin had inadvertently fulfilled his destiny and destroyed the last of the sith. The council changed it’s rules, embracing love, and emotion, holding themselves responsible for the Chancellor’s death because of Anakin’s coldness, which must have come from them, thus, eliminating the need to destroy the jedi order in order to reform it.
And so the Galaxy lived on in peace for a century while the jedi all the while searched for the sith responsible for the clone wars. And several years later, Anakin was released from his bacta tank, and strolled outside the temple for a walk with Padme. Starting an old tradition back up, she tripped him, and, unable to stop himself, Anakin fell off the building, bounced off Sidious, who would have survived if Anakin hadn’t landed on him, and shot back up to the temple.

Ending five

Anakin, in one of his nervous fits, set a plasma bomb inside the senate, and blew everyone, including Palpatine, to kingdom come. Mace Windu thought Anakin was the Sith in disguise and had him executed the next day. Or at least, he would have if Anakin hadn’t tried to escape and locked himself inside a lightsaber proof bacta tank.

Ending six

“I’m sorry, my friend”. And with that, Dooku activated the droids. As well as the self destruct sequence for the bridge upon which he stood, due to the fact that he had pressed his finger in between two command buttons rather than one. He cursed under his breath as he remembered his childhood playing dodge ball with the other children….. “Butterfingers Butterfingers!!!” “Just you wait!!! I’ll become a jedi, take over the galaxy and destroy your precious lives!!!”
He’d made good on most of his promises. Except he’d only taken half the galaxy. And none of his old school mates lived there. So really, he had in fact made good on none of his promises and completely ruined the precious lives on the side of the battlefield his classmates were opposed to.
And as usual, he found them making fresh mockery of his clumsiness in his head, much like his master had.
Count Dooku was a polished swordsman….now. It had taken him 74 years to finally master the lightsaber to the point where he could “survive” an attack from Yoda. With his new talent he felt himself invincible, the best the jedi had ever known. He intended to use this newfound ability to destroy the blasted people he had inhabited the school with.
And now, in thirty seconds, his infernal classmates would succeed to ruin him with their taunting once again. But not if he had anything to say about it. Unfortunately, he had been brooding over his classmates for the sum of time that was required for the self destruct sequence to go off. Thus, the sith destroyed themselves, as tradition demands, and the galaxy was at peace. For about half an hour the jedi stared around in confusion. The droids were deactivated and the command bridge was little but charred rock.

“Curse that man! Curse it curse it curse it!!!!”
Lord Sidious had just lost the war he started a few hours ago. All because his apprentice couldn’t let an elementary school grudge drop!!....Well, he couldn’t talk. After all, he had based this entire scheme upon a grudge he had held against the jedi for almost a thousand years.
He walked up to a mirror and stroked his chin. “Hmmmm, and not half bad for a thousand years if I may say so, mmhmm, lookin’ good, oh yeah,” –“Uh…Excuse me Chancellor” Mace Windu had just arrived with Yoda to report, and were quite taken aback to find their noble leader posing in front of the mirror. Given his well known hatred for models they were surprised, and wondered if this wasn’t also the work of the Dark Lord.
“Um…uuh yes, masters Yoda and Windu, ah, I take it this is good news?” Said the Chancellor while quickly readjusting his robes.
Yoda gave Mace a look and quickly ran out to laugh while the other Jedi handled the situation.
Master Windu, however, was in the same fix as Yoda. He wasn’t one to smile or make jokes, but this, was the exception of exceptions.
He quickly covered his face and said, “You know sir, maybe this isn’t such a great time. Don’t get me wrong, er, it is good news of course…but uh..”
Mace Windu, one of the most serious, esteemed, powerful jedi of his age, was about to wet his robes. As he looked over, anywhere really, to avoid the Chancellor’s gaze, he noticed several figurines laying about a desk drawer that had been left unsealed. These figurines looked strangely like a Nubian senator he knew….in fact…- “NOOOO!!!!!!” Palpatine force leapt and shut the drawers. “She’s miiine!!!!” He hissed. “My oowwwn, my precious!!!”
The master couldn’t decide what to make of the situation. He was caught between taking out his saber, and bowling over with laughter. He figured the leap was just adrenaline, after all, those padme figures would create quite a stir and make for good blackmail, regardless, he was concerned for the Chancellor’s health, and mental sanity
“Uh, heh heh, sir? Perhaps I should call in a med team…..”
“The precious….” He stood there with one of the figures, gently caressing it as he would have his lightsaber if he hadn’t been so dimwitted and gotten that far in the movie.
“Yes sir, the precious will be fine, now let’s take you up to the medical center just over here-…”
“Auuuughhh!! Nooooo!!!” He nearly blasted Mace with force lightning, but in his craze, completely missed. The Korun master was a bit more serious now. “Yoda!! Get in here, you won’t believe this.”
The master came in, sat in a corner and observed, with a hint of amusement on his face.
“Ah, so here have we the Dark Lord Sidious. Go on, you may, Master Windu. Need my assistance, you should not.”
With a look of confusion Mace bent over the fallen Chancellor and raised his lightsaber, only to lower it onto a blaze of lightning pushing him back.
“Auuuuugh, I can’t stop it!!! Help! Help!” His lightsaber came so close to his face he could smell the ozone.
As usual, Yoda heaved one of his infamous sage sighs, slowly walked over, and sealed some rubber gloves onto Palpatine’s hands.
“Much still to learn have you, my young jedi. Watch Macgyver with the students for 3 weeks, you shall. Then, will you be ready to understand the mysteries of duck tape. An old friend has returned from the netherworld of the force to show me such knowledge. Your old master.”
Mace gasped, “Richard Dean Anderson!!?!?!?”
“Teach you and the students to commune with him, I will.”
(A few weeks later: Chancellor’s confines)
The cook came in at approximately 11:30 to bring the sith lord his lunch. Impeccable timing as always. He was surprised when he found himself being shot at with surging lightning from the prisoner’s hands. However, that didn’t stop him from continuing on his daily routine. Taking Yoda’s advice to heart, Mace had everyone based in the station put some rubber underwear on just in case. No one was too pleased with it, but it seemed to get the job done. And eventually everyone died. Isn’t that just special.

Ending seven

Chancellor Palpatine had taken Padme Amidala out to a formal dinner in order to discuss some special “political” matters that concerned him..
“Yes chancellor?”
“Sigh, never mind the formalities...uh….just er…call me….hmmm”
“What is your first name? I never thought about it before, but just now I realized I don’t know it.”
Palpatine had been carefully trying to woo away Padme from Anakin, without Anakin knowing, or revealing his true self. Sigh, now he had to remember his name. Unfortunately, the blasted producer director writer hadn’t ever given him one, and was the one at fault for placing him in this precarious situation.
“If I ever get my hands on George Lucas I’ll give him a very special thanks”, he thought darkly.
He had almost forgotten the dreamy Nubian super model….it was a shame she was a model, but he could overlook that. It was her only fault, and doubtless a fault that could be rectified with a little reasoning and sith transformation. Heh heh hehehehe…..
“Oh, ah, yes well…..it’s Brian actually. Yes, Brian Mikphodeuos Palpatine.”
“Hmmm, Brian,” She pondered. Sigh she was such a brainless waste of flesh. Well no. The area that supported her mental faculties was a waste. The flesh was perfectly alright….ahhh….
“It’s a nice name, though I’ve never heard it in Naboo.”
“Why thank you Padme, you have quite a lovely name yourself if I may say so.”
“Oh Chancellor,” She giggled “I’m flattered.”
Oh geez, thought the Chancellor. I can’t believe what I’m doing…..
“It’s true. And it does suit your pleasant complexion after all”
“Oh my, why thank you Brian…you uh, have a lovely…er…”
“Ah, nevermind. It’s quite alright, there’s not much to me anyway, much less in my physical attributes.” Heh, there’s no better way to win the ladies over than through false humility, thought Palpatine. Though it did tend to give him stomach cramps every now and then. Anything even relating to something good was enough to make him sick.
“Oh but surely that’s not true, Brian.” She said with a smile that would have made him melt if 600 years of hardening hadn’t taken it’s toll physically and emotionally. In fact, it was a miracle he had gotten this far without lashing out.
“After all, I remember that mass orphanage school facility bill you had passed through the senate. The outside doesn’t matter when you’ve a heart like that.”
Now he was going to be sick. That was the most abominable regulation he had ever passed. Every planet in the senate was now required to build enough such facilities as to support whatever amount of beings as was necessary. He had only done this out of necessity, to draw some of the more idiotic senators like Organa into his crowd.
Sigh, the only thing that kept him from constantly running to the waste release facilities was the fact that he had booby trapped all the facilities, hired rabid wookies as day care workers, and, using a technique he learned from a certain infamous religion on his real home planet, he had planted a strong dose of morgues nbrass in the daily food supply. The children would be brainwashed into joining the new empire about to be born under his direction. Ah, what would he do without Mormons.
“Oh, that was just something that had to be done. Couldn’t leave those poor little beings now could I?” Said Palpatine with a painful smile on his face. He hated this kind of smiling. It was too disgustingly sweet and true. He preferred the sneer of sarcasm and that look, clearly saying, I have all the power. And what do you think you can do about it? Heh, idiots.
Sigh, once again he reflected, scarcely believing how far he was stooping for Padme. Man, she’d better be grateful for this….
“Awww, you’re such a sweet guy…how come you never married?”
Palpatine raised an eyebrow. The moment was coming.
“I never really found the right one Padme. Just reporters and senators eager for a handshake or an autograph. It’s been, quite lonely really….and the thought has come up once or twice….”
“Hee hee, what candidates have popped up in your mind lately?”
My gosh, she has a vocabulary!! He was stunned. Ever since he had known her, she had only been able to say words that a 16 year old would know with what little English they had learned in Nubian school. “Candidates”. It made sense. She had to say it at one point or another, being a senator, but still….
“Welll, there have been one or two…..just one in particular really.”
Originally, he had intended to take Bail Organa’s wife for himself. Ha, what was with him lately? Always stealing someone else’s lover. Not that he cared of course.
But anyway, Organa’s wife. Later he figured if she was unintelligent enough to marry that coward Bail Organa, she wasn’t really worth it.
Eh, Padme had fallen for Anakin. That was somewhat understandable, however. He could be quite the handsome little protector. Ha, at least he would be if he wasn’t so set on protecting the people he loved that he would end up killing them.
“Really!!! Who?!?!”
He put his hands in his face. What was he doing? He was talking to a 2 year old gossip, eager to suck information out of him. Oh well, it would undoubtedly be worth it in the end.
“Hmmm…I doubt you would be interested….”
“Oh no, I would be very interested Brian…..”
“Ha, on this matter, I’m not so sure.”
“Oh pleaaase, tell me. I’ll tell you as secret if you tell me yours!”
Hm, it seemed like a fair trade off. Ugh, another one of those words. “Fair”.
Nothing was fair unless he got everything and the other person ended up as his slave. Which, would be the end result. A little necessary sacrifice couldn’t hurt…
“Well…..actually, it’s been you for quite sometime..” Muttered Palpatine, half conscious of what was happening. He just couldn’t believe himself..
“OH, my gosh! I feel the same way about you!” She squealed. Always high pitched when prompted into a higher energy level.
The chancellor started in alarm, completely taken aback….
“What?!??....but uh, what of young Skywalker?” Now he was completely at a loss. It couldn’t possibly be that easy…
“Oh, he’s waaay too protective and overemotional. Keeps promising me he’s not going to let his dreams come true. Gets all dark and weird every other moment I’m with him. It gets pretty scary and annoying at times. He won’t let me go do things I want to do without arguing for an hour about everything that could possibly go wrong. Sigh, and when he’s angry, he’s so tall! I want to slap him, but I’m afraid he’ll step on me!”
Seeing so many wonderful opportunities to bring this relationship to a close was more than he could handle at once as he pondered, staring off into space……for half an hour while Padme rambled on and on about Anakin and how everything was going wrong……
“So yeah, that pretty much sums it all up right there. You’re such a good listener. I find that highly attractive in a man. And especially attractive in a high ranking politician.” She said with a seductive smile.
Palpatine started out of his meditation.
“Well, then there’s only one thing to do really.”
“What?! I’ll do anything!”
“Really now? How perfect…”
“What is it?” Pleaded the Nubian senator.
“We should get married, kill Anakin, the jedi, and take over the galaxy!!!!!”
Palpatine had reached the end of his patience. He was getting ever so bored of this ruse and wanted nothing more than to bring it to an end.
“Yes what?” asked the Emperor to be…
“Let’s do it!!! Let’s do everything you said, and more!!!” She held him in a tight embrace, bowled him over and gave him quite the kiss.
Naturally, he was somewhat surprised. And naturally, this didn’t last very long, as he quickly reversed the politically incorrect position he was in.
There we go.
And then Anakin walked in.
“Honey. I thought we already talked about this holoroom! You said you wouldn’t do this anymore! You know I get jealous of the holoimages, even if that’s all they are.”
He flipped a switch, noticed nothing changing, and then went into his thinking mode as the truth, slowly but surely began to wash over him.
“Oh not again,” muttered the chancellor. He hated watching Anakin think. Almost as much as he hated the jedi. The only difference was, looking at the jedi didn’t cause his bowels physical pain.
“I’ve had enough this.” And with that, he blasted Anakin into oblivion with a surge of lightning.
In fact, one by one, all the jedi came in, single file, to be blasted out individually, at whatever rate Palpatine pleased. And one by one, they fell to their dooms as he cackled his empty heart out.
And all the people gathered around him outside the Senate chambers, falling down to worship him as he strolled through. Offering jedi sacrifices and sweet smelling cretins from all over the galaxy, to their new God, the great Palpatine. They started saying noble, but that didn’t work for him and blasted a few worshippers so they would get the picture.
Shortly thereafter, the worshippers of the great god Palpatine built him a mighty statue, and an holy palace, only suitable for the god to live in.
Then representatives from every place in the galaxy, came and groveled at his feet, offering up their planets to his wondrous rule. He quickly purged them for pleasure’s sake, and walked up the grand staircase to his new dwelling with his gorgeous new wife.
And there they sat in the throne room. He with his vast, throne/ death star control panel, and Padme washing his feet and taking care of the tie fighters. Making sure the cockpits were clean, and the jumpsuits in impeccable condition, becoming quite popular among the pilots.
She and her Emperor husband became the most beloved rulers known through the galaxy. The misery and oppression that resulted from their rule was cheered on through the ages. The worshippers always praising their god for helping them build character, assuming that was what the oppression was for. And they all lived happily ever after, warring against other galaxies for universal domination, many centuries after the formation of the first, galactic empire.

Then he woke up. In the middle of the jedi council chambers with Yoda giving him a stare that mothers often gave their children for eating a lot of yosh tilm before supper. Most of the other jedi were laughing so hard that tears, and whatever liquids that had been in their mouths at the time, were streaming out in huge amounts. Several others had fallen to the floor, whose laughter could easily have been taken as convulsing by the untrained eye. After the show was over, they put on their jedi faces and quickly went back to their original postures. Though a few still had to cramp up their faces to keep from bursting out.
Yoda gave Palpatine a stern look, saying, “See through you, we can.” And then gave the other jedi in the chambers a nod.

It was all over the holonet news. Chancellor Palpatine had disappeared and Count Dooku was destroyed. It was a bittersweet day for those who were not on the jedi council. Many thought they had lost one of the greatest leaders of the age. No one could fathom where their noble leader was, or had gone perhaps.
That was a secret held only by the jedi council.
And Dex, who had seen the chancellor on his way down to the lower levels, after having unceremoniously exited the temple window, greatly assisted by gravity.
Good times.

Ending 8

“Come quickly Anakin, or we will never make it! Leave him.” Said Palpatine, knowing that if Kenobi could be dispatched, Anakin’s path down the dark side would proceed with a much greater velocity.
“His fate will be the same as ours.” The young jedi knight replied.
“Oh alright, go on and be all noble, but hurry up will you.” Palpatine was beginning to lose some of his nerve, and took some strattera to relieve his mind. And later his stomach, of large amounts of….yeah. Even one as powerful as he could not stop this ship from hurdling into the planet’s surface at full force.
They were running sideways along the elevator shaft when gravity came back online. Unfortunately, that meant it was freefalling for roughly 300 meters. And unfortunately for Palpatine, it meant that when Anakin grappled some wiring with his mechanical hand he would have to defy gravity and stretch up 6 feet to Anakin’s legs. A feat that he never accomplished. Mostly because while he was falling his life flashed before his eyes, as is natural. And when you’ve been around for 1000 years, a flash can be pretty long. Long enough to forget you can still save yourself by utilizing the force to pull you higher. Which was the case for our dear Lord Sidious. What a shame.

Ending 9

In the space battle overhead, General Grievous had escaped. However, Obi-Wan, and Anakin had also managed to escape with (on, rather. =) ) Chancellor Palpatine. And were in the process of flying him to the planet safely. In fact, they were actually flying him. It was a rather amusing spectacle to behold, and the space battle paused momentarily as the troops on both sides watched the Chancellor fly through space with two jedi on his back.
“Here, give me the controls!!” Anakin yelled through space as he grabbed the Chancellors hair and pulled up hard.
“Augh!! Be careful Anakin, I just had them tuned up today!”
The Chancellor was in a rather agitated state, as you can well imagine. I mean, how would you feel if your most hated enemy was flying on your back, pulling on your very nicely primed hair?
“Don’t worry Chancellor,” Anakin comforted, “I’m in complete control of the situation. Open all flaps and reverse thrusters.”
“Noooo!!!!” The Chancellor screamed, “Nooo no no no no no no!!!!!”
“Hehe, too late,” Muttered Obi Wan as the Chancellor’s robes moved systematically into an interesting formation. Needless to say, the clones and droids alike had an excellent view of the Chancellor’s posterior end, and were enjoying themselves immensely, warning the clones on the planet that they should get the hoses ready for a nice Courisian welcome.
Suddenly, the Chancellor’s face grew pale, and for a moment, the two jedi feared the worst, and quickly took out an expandable space toilet, placing it in front of the chancellor.
They were surprised when they were rocked back instead.
Anakin was the first to realize what had happened.
“I think we lost something….”
And Obi-Wan, being the bulb of blossoming brilliance that he was, figured it out shortly thereafter.
“Ah, not to worry. We are still flying half a Palpatine.”
“You scum.” And with that the chancellor fell unconscious.
He might have made it, if he hadn’t burst into flame and then was blasted by freezing water right after. If you’ve ever been in chemistry, you’ll understand what I mean.

Ending 10

Palpatine’s internal steering failed while fighting Yoda and he fell off the stand he was on after running headlong into a durasteel wall.
The blasted jedi never repaired him completely after the descent to Courscant…..


Ending 1 outtakes and deleted scripts

“But which was destroyed, the master, or the apprentice?” Before Yoda could answer, Frank Oz had a heart attack. The great jedi master was no more. As Yoda disappeared, Palpatine started blowing people away with surging lightning, Master Windu fainted, Obi-Wan caught him, Qui-Gon came back to life and ran off Minas Tirith, the oompa loompas staged a galaxy wide rebellion with a small man in a purple hat as their alleged leader, and…….
New narration commenced by writer two. We got into a fight, and needless to say, the result was disastrous. I am the last of the writers originally hired to work in Mark’s mind. We couldn’t agree on what to write, so he had us fight to the death in order to decide who was most worthy. And now I, the now co-workerless writer, have been chosen to complete this most burdenous task on my own……

And with that, Mace neatly…..missed the Chancellor with his lightsaber and accidentally removed the old man’s hair piece instead. Gradually, everyone in the circle paying their respects to Qui-Gon moved in on Palpatine, spell bound by the shinyness of his remarkably hairless head……..
Mace was still on guard, however. “Stop! Don’t move towards the light!!”
They all muttered back like zombies, “We can’t help it, it’s soo beautiful….”
And if you can imagine what usually happens to insects who ram into massive electric lights in a baseball stadium, apply that to the people walking towards Palpatine and you’ll have a fairly good idea as to what happens next.

“But which was destroyed? The master, or the apprentice?”
“Both.” Yoda replied.
“What do you mean? How do you know?”
“When 900 years old you become, understand, you will. Heehmmhee.”
Curse that Yoda, thought Master Windu. The infernal little master always riddled him with allusions, metaphors, symbolic knowledge.

What, you expected more?

….- he felt no chagrin in using the force to place a particularly obtrusive rock in the Chancellor’s path. Not noticing so small a disturbance in the force, Palpatine tripped. And, not yet ready to reveal himself to the jedi, decided not to save himself with the force. Instead, he landed on top of Qui-gon and began to burn a bit himself. Screaming in anger he cried “Who the heck turned the real fire on?!?!!? I’m on fiiire!!! Auuuuuugggh!!!!”
“We’re really sorry Ian, you know what Pyros we are…..sorry sorry!!!”
Those silly tech boys. Always getting into trouble.

Mags said...

So like, what does this have to do with a walrus that can do sit-ups?