Project Runway After Party

Episode 3: A Designer’s Best Friend
First off, why did they have to boot off the token Asian model? Damn, a sista can’t even catch a break around here!

Heidi tells the designers that they have to design a garment based on a designer’s “favorite accessory.” That night, the designers speculate over what this “accessory” could be over a couple of beers.

The next morning, the designers get a map to Central Park, and Laura guesses that they’ll have something to do with horses. So she busts out with an equestrian outfit. This woman cracks. Me. Up. Who the hell packs an equestrian outfit with them?

Tim Gunn comes over the grassy knoll with a gaggle of itty bitty foofy dogs. Get it? Designers? Foofy dogs? I’m overwhelmed by cuteness right now. I need a moment.

Ha! Laura’s not a dog person! So she gets the last dog left and puts it in her purse so she “doesn’t have to touch it.” The look on her face when she sees the dogs is priceless.

Jeffery observes that everyone picked a dog that pretty much resembled themselves – except Alison and Bradley trade, since Stewart the terrier looks more like Bradley than it does Alison. Cuteness and giggles abound.

I love Uli and her German accent. Her dog’s name is Einstein, and she says it all totally German-like – “EIN-schtein.” Just how my high school physics teacher used to say it. Aaah, good times, good times.

Tim tells the designers that not only do they have to design a dress for the dog’s owner, but they also have to make a matching outfit for the dog.

In other words, they have to design a dress for just the kind of dog owner I can’t freakin’ stand.

I have to admit though, I’m still overwhelmed by cuteness.

Angela concocts some cockamaimie story about a British headmistress of an art camp in Paris at a farm called Jubilee Jumbles, at which this headmistress throws a party for her dog, Patty Cake. Oh, by the way, did I mention that Patty Cake was “born in the spring”? Ugh! I swear, Angela should get the Auf based on the sheer lameness of that story alone. But this is Angela, all “balls out” and stuff. Yikes.

On to sketchin’!

Laura is pissed because her dog keeps walking all over her sketch pad. I’m surprised she doesn’t throw the dog back in the purse and fling it across the room. All that scampering about must have had an effect on her creative process, because the suit she’s making looks like it has a fur collar. Déjà vu!

Michael’s dog is chillin’ alongside the sketchpad. Pimpin’ ain’t easy, yo.

The designers only had 30 minutes at our favorite fabric store, and according to Kanye, Laura picks vanilla fabrics, while he’s all about the rocky road, baby.

Bradley’s stressing out because he’s not particularly inspired. Hmm …

Vincent cracks up for two minutes over something really corny. To be honest, I don’t even know what he was laughing about. He annoys me so much, I sort of tune out when he’s on the screen. But it had to do with him holding up a picture (ostensibly of the dog) and some white puffy thing that looks like a miniature captain’s hat. Look, I am a fan of the Cuteness as much as the next girl, but Vincent totally ruined it for me.

This particular challenge happens to fall on Bradley’s birthday, to which Jeffery says something about how much it would suck if he went home on his birthday. Foreshadowing, you say? I mean, Bradley is having quite the case of designer’s block, but don’t be silly, Bravo can’t be THAT predictable, can they?

(That was a rhetorical question. Moving on.)

At sewing time, Keith is getting on everyone’s last nerve. Laura says he’s become quite a “shithead,” and Keith retorts by calling her “bad mommy.” And as Miranda once said in Sex in the City, nobody wants to fuck bad mommy.***

Tim comes by to offer feedback. He’s taken with Uli’s design.

Keith tells Tim that he totally has this image in his head abut the woman who owns this dog, but says that his woman doesn’t dress her dog up. Hi, Keith. That’s the challenge. Make it work, hello.

Angela designs basically the same damn pouffy skirt that she wore during the critique in the last episode. What’s up with her and her pouffy garments? Maybe that’s her schtick, kind of like Kara Janx’s kimono dress. But … so totally not as cute.

Bradley’s outfit is just not working out (Translation: Outfit? What outfit?), and Tim tells him that it needs to be redone. And oh, by the way, Bradley only has one hour left. Make it work time!

Vincent, Master of the Wacky Analogy, likens Bradley to someone who “likes to jump off bridges and pick up things as he’s falling,” or something like that. So is he saying Bradley’s a suicidal kleptomaniac? He kills me. And not in a good way.

It’s the end of Day 1, and Bradley is up a creek. (Maybe Vincent’s bridge analogy was prescient after all!) His top is still not done – not to mention the dog’s outfit. He leaves thinking he just won’t show anything, and since it’s his birthday, he’d rather go out like a chump and show nothing down the runway rather than showing something sub par, or something that he doesn’t like.

A cop out, or artistic integrity? You decide.

The next morning, the designers lament over their morning OJ and toothpaste that it would suck to have Bradley get kicked off the show on his birthday. Talk is cheap – you just KNOW each of them is breathing a sigh of relief – at last, someone in a definitively worse spot than they are!

Back at Parsons, Bradley gets his hustle on – he has to finish the top and his doggy outfit. And when his model comes to see what she has to wear today, he tells her that she may not be wearing anything at all. But model chick ain’t havin’ it, because she basically checks him and in not so many words tells him that he can cry and cut, but he better cry and cut. This has apparently provided him with enough inspiration to finish the outfits.

The dogs come back for their clothes too, and Uli’s dog stops for a moment to nuzzle in her cleavage.

I have to say, the outfits are pretty cute. On to the runway!

Michael Kors is still out, so the nondescript Vera Wang is still the stand-in judge, along with NINAGARCIA, and Ivanka Trump, the anti-Paris Hilton.

Kanye’s outfit reminds me of Nick’s dress from the “My Scene Barbie” challenge.

Uli’s dress. I want it.

Robert’s design was very Chanel-esque, and go figure: That was the dog’s name, too. Did you catch the construction on that blouse? Gorgeous. Robert continues to impress me, episode after episode.

Alison’s outfit was cute too, but I think she should have made it a different color because you could hardly see the dog’s vest – white vest on a white dog? It just seems like such a waste, to go through all that detail in construction, only to have it blend into the dog’s fur.

Bradley’s outfit actually looked OK – reminiscent of Daniel V’s orchid top from last season.

Keith’s model came down in a cute halter dress with an Elizabethan-esque collar. But I don’t think the dog had anything on.

Bonnie’s was uncharacteristically chic. Mama likes.

Katherine’s outfit was … very … plain. If Michael Kors was in the house, he’d be telling us he was feeling a bit underwhelmed. The judges loved the dog’s hoodie more than the dress.

The show’s editors slept on Michael’s outfit. AGAIN. His tube dress, with the criss-cross weaved top … gorgeous. When is Michael going to get more face time in front of the camera?

Laura’s outfit, again, was very polished, but I’m wondering if the judges will accuse her of being a one-note. The outfit really does a good job of conveying Laura’s personality, but if I see another fur-lined collar, I’m going to cough up a hairball.

Angela’s outfit looks more bad 80’s fashion and less “Jubilee Junction.” Whatever the hell that’s supposed to look like. Unless she’s going for a clownish look, in which case, carry on!

Sidebar: The models did an excellent job down the runway. I wish I could say the same for the dogs. Either the models were walking too fast for these little dog’s legs, or their doggie treats were laced with something.

This is the first episode in which, during the critique, the story is everything. And it’s hilarious to hear the things these designers have come up with. Okay, I’m specifically talking about Angela’s.

Uli’s story about the socialite partying all night and heading out the next day with her fabulous friends for brunch and shopping for more fabulous clothes “works” for Ivanka. Hmm, speaking from experience there, dear?

Heidi says that Katherine’s dress is “blah,” and Nina says that there was a flaw in the execution, at which her dog starts to whimper. More foreshadowing?

Angela’s outfit – and story – sucked in its outrageousness. Heidi says the model’s outfit looked “raunchy.” Ivanka said that the model looked like a “streetwalker,” which goes to show that pouffy outfits not only can look like something a clown would wear, but also an outfit that apparently skanks favor as well.

On to Bradley: Vera Wang is ALL OVER IT. Nina tells him that she can see shooting this outfit for Elle. Bradley exhales. “Most original.” “Beautiful.” Suckers!

Keith tells Nina that he made “many, many outfits” for the dog. But the dog is naked, save for some bracelet that he put around its neck, which he didn’t make. Ivanka wants to roll tape to see if he really did make four dog outfits, while Nina defends the execution of his garments, which really, is nothing to shake a stick at.

Uli wins, and gets immunity for next week. Good for her. I loved her outfit.

Katherine gets the Auf.

Again, Angela and her puffy outfits are in. Apparently Ivanka’s “streetwalker” comment had no bearing on the final decision. I swear, what is UP with these judges right now?

I’m totally blaming everything on Vera Wang. Seriously. Bring Kors back. STAT!



** Actually, the line is "nobody wants to fuck mean mommy." Work with me here.