Hidey ho! Y'all smell so nice and flowery!

Looks like Britney and Paris are having a little squabble over their spoiled little foo-foo dogs. It's a battle of the "I had mine first" vs. "Mine is cuter."

Chile, please.

These bitches have way too much a) time and b) money on their hands to be wasting Internet bandwith over this. I mean, seriously. Who has time to fight over these stupid non-dogs when we have the Grammys to chat about?

At some point in my late 20's, I stopped watching awards shows because I just got disgusted by the predictability (all of them), "who-you-wearing?" materialism (Oscars), gratuitous shock value (MTV VMAs) and ersatz sentimentality (all of them). But hell, there was nothing else to do last night, so I put them on. Here are just some random musings:

• Opening number: I think the highlight for me was the Gwen Stefani/Eve portion. I bet the kids these days don't know that the song she performed is a total re-make of "Rich Girl" by reggae dancehall mavens Michie One & Louchie Lou, which takes its "inspiration" from "Fiddler on the Roof." This makes me feel old. You know Topol's going crazy.
• The end of the opening number - where they brought out all of the artists that performed in the "medley" to play their songs all together - was a complete flop. I mean, I get it - the whole idea was to show that hey, here we have these so-hot-right-now bands, from different genres, playing separately, now together, creating some new musical blend that is supposedly wonderful and kumbaya-ish. But I'm sorry. "In-the-round" singing went out with 5th-grade Outdoor Ed trips, alright? I'm 32 years old, bitches. I don't need to see this. Plus, it ended up being a cacophonous, jarring, and just plain stupid exercise that insulted my intelligence. Leave the mash-ups to the DJs.
• Fuck the Black Eyed Peas. Seriously. And take that "Kids Incorporated" broad with you.
• Melissa Etheridge looks great with a bald head. Plus - and I don't usually enjoy her - there was something somewhat touching to see her rock out like she did despite having just gone through chemo. Or am I just being sappy?
• Joss Stone, I swear, she's so hot and so talented. I rushed out to iTunes to download and buy her first CD during her performance.
• Alicia Keys and Jamie Foxx's performance was pretty good too, but Jamie needs to stop with the Ray Charles stuff already, before people forget how funny and talented he actually is.
• Kanye West/John Legend performance: These guys have their backgrounds in the Baptist church, as evidenced by their funeral-service-in-a-Baptist-church presentation. And I mean, I can respect this, because I bet I'd have more fun than we Catholics usually do, with all the singing and rhythm and clapping and "Lawd, help me pleases" and the "Testify's," but this Grammy performance became an almost comedic caricature of (what I assume to be a) typical Baptist church service. I'm all for having people understand where you come from, and I really appreciate you sharing that part of your life with me, but understand that people are going to NOT get it. Mainly Red staters. Okay, there, I said it.
• Queen Latifah: PLEASE. Come back to hip hop. You used to be so cool. Now you're working that tired, old "Chicago" thing to death. C'mon, remember "UNITY?" That song was the shit. Bring it back.
• And how come you look better in a strapless gown than I do? Your boobs are just as big as mine!
• Jack White and Loretta Lynn. I understand he's idolized her and everything, and I guess they put out a country record together for which they won an award, but I don't know. There's some weird Diana Ross/Jacko thing going on there that I don't even want to explore. I hope it's not weird like that or anything, but anything's possible - I mean, Jack White *did* date Rene Zellweger. Ugh.
• If I see or hear about the Ellen/Portia hook-up again, I swear, I'm going to have to boycott her. Ellen, that is.
• J-Ho and Marc Anthony: Nobody cares, seriously.

Needless to say, I've learned my lesson. No more awards shows for me.