Nov 28, 2007

Project Runway After Party - Season 4

Yeah, I know, I know. I missed my recap for Episode 2, but real life got in the way. Sorry!

Episode 2: "I Started Crying."
Marion’s out. Unfortunate, yes, but that sack dress really did not translate well into the real world. Oh yeah, and P.S.? Spitting on fabric is killing me softly, y’all. I can’t wait to see what Our Favorite Flower Child does this week.

Episode 3: "Fashion Giant" (aka "Let Them Have Eye Candy")
So, supposedly this episode, the designers will be faced with the Most. Difficult. Challenge. Ever.

The show opens and again we see a very buff Jack, clad in only a towel and his tattoos. We learn that he’s been HIV positive for several years, but that he's the healthiest he's ever been. Judging by his rippled, chiseled torso, I totally agree. Eye candy for all of us!

Field trip!

The designers have to go to 10 Rock to meet with Tim and find out what their next challenge is.

So Tiki Barber meets them at the Today Show studio and some of the guys are freaking out because they’re a little behind on their football. The challenge? Design an outfit for Tiki to wear on the Today Show. The designers get $100 and a day and a half to construct a garment. He tells us that some of his fitting challenges are that he has a big neck and a skinny waist. Oh yeah, and the fact that Tiki got back, y'all.

He breaks it down as far as what he likes to wear – for example; he likes little details and isn’t afraid of color (as long as it accents the whole outfit). He asks the designers if they have any questions, and they totally do. I love when people have questions and ask them!

The designers go back to the studio, and Jack is carrying Christian in a bag. You know, like a little poodle. Sweet P is freaking out because she realized she doesn’t know how to sketch menswear, let alone construct garments for men. Kit – my favorite right now – says that her experience as a TV stylist gives her an edge because she knows what works on screen. I hope so, girl!

Looks like everyone is going out on a limb and making suits or blazers. I mean really, what *else* can you do when it comes to designing menswear for a morning show personality on a major network?

Elisa is keeping her hippie tendencies on the down low right now, so she’s probably safe this episode. I just hope she keeps her saliva to herself!

Jack takes off his shorts and traces the pattern of his shorts – basically disassembling them. That's fair? How is that fair, when what's-his-face gets kicked off the show for having pattern books? I don't get it. Maybe because it's Jack.

It’s midnight, and we still haven’t heard anything from Miz Phlemglobber. What’s even more perplexing is that I’m still wondering what is so *hard* about this challenge. I mean, I’m sure it’s hard enough designing for a man, when all you’ve been doing is designing clothes for women---I’ll give them that---but how is this any different from designing for a “jet setter” as in the last season? But I digress.

It’s Day 2, and everyone’s Stressing. The. Hell. Out. Kit keeps it real, though, and reminds everyone that they are experiencing the opportunity of a lifetime. Go girl! Way to put things in perspective!

Chris tells us that he’s a) older than everyone else and b) completely self taught. Pants? Just two sleeves sewn together! Easy peasy, right?

Rami’s inner bitch comes out when he tries on his muslin pants, not made with any patterns, thankyouverymuch. Rowr!

"Jealousy's going to bring out the ugly, and ... whatever!" Jack says.

The male models come in for fittings. Everyone is freaking out over the hotness. I am too, kinda. Eye candy for everyone!

So as not to disappoint me, Elisa turns her back when the male model changes. She says that the whole fitting ordeal is a very intimate process, and that the only male she's fitted was her boyfriend. “He’s the only male I choose to touch.”

And kids, we all know what fittings lead to ...

Honestly, I'm blown away by Elisa's modesty. I thought hippies were about free love and all that. Clearly not!

My other girl, Sweet P, is freaking out because her shirt isn’t working out well. She's right. Oy. I'm scared for her.

Tim Gunn comes in and summons up a Gather ‘Round to tell the designers that they have a special guest – an Asian woman who nobody knows about, but it turns out that it’s Tiki Barber’s wife.

“I love Asians. Asians are fierce.”

Thanks, Christian! I love you too!

What happens next is about five minutes of Project Runway filler, in which Miz Barber walks around to each designer, telling him or her whether or not Tiki would love those colors, or that the jacket looks too "Members Only." I mean seriously, even that snarky comment to Carmen didn't redeem her from her blandness. Her dress was BEIGE, for crying out loud.

Seriously, Bravo, Miz Barber just totally harshed my eye candy mellow, knowutimsayin? Leave the wives of the hot ex-football players out of the episode, alright?

Ricky’s freaking out about his clothes, and I’m freaking out over the fact that, quite possibly, Ricky won't give those hats a rest, already!

I realize I still don’t know everyone’s names, and I’m calling Carmen “Kelis.” I’m sorry. I can’t help it. Give me time.

Ricky is freaking out because he put the zipper in the wrong way, and he has 50 minutes left. He also just flipped off his pants. Oooh.

Carmen and Ricky start going at it in that calm, I’m-not-going-to-look-you-in-the-eye-while-I-cut-you-down manner that I find so entertaining to watch!

Don’t go home too soon!

Whatever, Ricky. Just cry and cut!

Four hours until the runway show, and the designers arrive at Parsons. Jack gives Christian a piggy back to the workroom. I’m sensing the “carrying Christian” thing will be a recurring theme.

Carmen/Kelis hasn’t even made her shirt yet, and there's 50 minutes left. Oh SNAP!

The models are back for hair and makeup. Oh my god. Ricky asked his model to sew buttons on. Janky!

Sweet P’s shirt is a mess and is wondering if she should even send it down the runway. She’s trying to creatively "style" her shirt. Good luck on that one, sistafren.

Carmen is worrying about her crotch. Her model’s – not hers. She sews her model into the pants. And she still hasn’t done the shirt. So what does she do instead? A DICKIE!!! She does a dickie! Janky!

RE: the hair and makeup shot: Can I just say how NICE it must be to get a fresh haircut whenever you go on a job? I totally want to be a model now!

On to the runway. This will definitely be fun. As my boy Christian says, there’s a lot that’s jacked up around here.

Amen, sister.

On the runway, most of the designers are cringing in their seats. As the models walk down the runway, I’m not getting the impression that Tiki’s liking any of them.

Jillian, Christian, Rami, Steve, Victorya, Chris, and Elisa make it to the next round. That means Ricky, Kit, Jack, Carmen, Sweet P, and have to stay behind for critique.

Tiki likes Kit’s look. NINAGARCIA likes the overall presentation, and Kors thinks the fleece saved her. I don’t know how I feel about the fleece jacket, but it most certainly would have been easier to hide any flaws in the construction. Smartie pants!

Sweet P totally sewed her own tie! Props to Sweet P! That shirt collar is killing me softly, though.

Kors loves Jacks’ outfit (I think he secretly has a crush on Jack) and Tiki loves the textures (not too loud) and thinks it looks great. NINAGARCIA points out he didn’t do three pieces. Was it a requirement that people had to make three pieces? I must have missed that.

“Whats with the safety pins holding up the jacket?” NINAGARCIA asks Ricky.

Tiki says it’s sloppy and that he would look like a fool if he showed up at the Today show wearing that thing. I thought that the inside liner on Ricky’s jacket was a nice detail. But, true, it wasn't the best. NINAGARCIA says that it’s straight up DULL. Obviously, Ricky didn’t learn from last season, where Gunn urged one of the contestants, “don’t bore NINA!”

Tiki says that Kevin’s outfit is eye-catching, even though he doesn’t usually wear vests. Heidi says that the look is “more David Beckham than Tiki,” and that she wouldn’t let her man walk out of the house wearing a purple shirt. I guess we know who wears the pants in that famly!

Kors says that the crotch on her pants is "insane." They make her take off the dickie, and NINAGARCIA deems it unacceptable. Bad time management, Kors says.

It’s a toss-up at this point.

The judges rip up Sweet P’s, Carmen’s, Ricky’s outfits. If Ricky gets kicked out, I think he’ll have a nervous breakdown. I’m just saying.

Jack wins the challenge, and Tiki Barber’s going to wear his outfit on the Today Show.

It’s between Carmen/Kelis (“everything was off”) and Ricky (“the construction was awful, but it was a boring old suit”) on who’s getting The Auf.

Carmen/Kelis is out. Ricky cries anyway.

See you next episode!

Nov 18, 2007

No Reservations

I met Anthony Bourdain Friday night. He was in Santa Cruz doing a book signing for his new book, "No Reservations: Around the World on an Empty Stomach," which is more of a travel book with photos.

Can I just say: I lovelovelove Anthony Bourdain. Not only is he an awesome chef and writer, but his TV show about traveling to exotic locations and eating their food teaches you about other cultures and traditions in a way that is insightful, entertaining and, most importantly, respectful.

Don't even get me started on how hot he is. I'm just saying.

I told him as such (about him being respectful, not about him being hot) when we had our conversation (I'll never wash my ear again!) --- I asked him if he had ever done a show in the Philippines (he hadn't) and, if not, that he really needed to to bring his perspective, because that fuckin' Andrew Zimmern guy totally blew it. Don't even get me started on Zimmern. For real.

Anyway, we (that would be my man, Bourdain, and I) went off on that for a minute, and then he asked me where he should go.

"Pampanga," I said. "The folks in that region are known for their cooking."

"Alright. Done," he said.

Please believe my heart just about exploded. Tony, if you're reading this, and you do a Philippines show, give your girl a shout out in the end credits, wouldja?

UPDATE 11/19: So I found out a bunch of lucky-ass San Franciscans got to sit around and have dinner with Bourdain the next night. How the fuck can I get in the loop on shit like this for next time? I would have absolutely wrangled the funds needed to be a part of this. Oh well. My heart is still a-flutter.

(Cross-posted on my other blog.)

Nov 14, 2007

Project Runway After Party - Season 4

Episode 1: “Sew Me What You Got”

Gurrrrrrrrrl, I am so excited. My favorite show is back. I was dreaming when I wrote this; forgive me if it goes astray. I’m a little rusty.

So the episode starts and all the designers arrive at their new digs. Rami Kashou dressed Jessica "Don't Call Me Latina" Alba? Meh. Kayne’s back, in the form of costume designer Chris March. Christian Siriano. He’s kind of fierce. And he’s kind of a big deal. In his own mind. Carmen A. Webber, aka Kelis’ twin sister, used to be a model, now she’s a designer. Jillian Lewis. Illustrator/designer for Ralph Lauren. Will she be boring like Robert Best? Kit “Pistol” Scarbo. I love her already, and I don’t know why. Kevin Christiana. Self-proclaimed straight designer. They do exist, apparently. Jack Mackenroth. Hot. Probably gay. Elisa “crunchy granola” Jimenez. She does yoga and makes super-sized marionettes. Cool. I’m sure she’s been to Burning Man. “Sweet P” Vaughn shows off her tatts. I might like her too. I haven’t decided yet.

Anyway. The designers are summoned to Bryant Park to meet Tim and a non-pregnant Heidi. Tim welcomes them and he tells them that last season’s group was pretty strong, but this might be the strongest group ever. Everyone’s excited, the confidence and the champagne is flowing. They woo.

Kit says, “Life is too short to have on a bad outfit.” I am thinking I need to incorporate this as my new mantra.

Wait. Tim Gunn works for Liz Claiborne now? When did that happen? Is he no longer the dean at Parsons?

First challenge: They have run to the tents to make a garment that expresses who they are as designers. Everyone thinks that they’ll have to make a garment out of that janky tent plastic. But no! Instead, the kind folks at Mood donated $50,000 in fabrics. Sweet. They have 10 minutes to grab fabrics and until 1 a.m. to create their fabrics.

One of them (is it Elisa?) does a drive-by “happy birthday” while running and gives Heidi a sunflower. Nice touch. Way to suck up to the judge!

Everyone’s sprinting toward the tents.

Chris March is, shall we say, not sprinting. He's not so much a fast runner. Inside, he’s probably wondering how he ended up on the wrong reality show all of a sudden. Anyway. Everyone’s grabbing at the fabrics like kids around a busted piƱata. Will he be left with nothing?

Alas, it all works out because nobody chose the fabrics he wanted anyway.

Elisa starts rubbing in grass stains into her silk and she tells us that she normally infuses her fabrics with tea and herbs and her sixth chakra. I made that last one up.

I hope the hippie doesn’t get kicked out. She’s killing me softly right now. Plus, she might provide oodles of Project Runway recap fodder. A blogger can only hope!

Back in the workroom, Tim tells them to make it work. They have 13 hours to complete their garments.

The designers describe their aesthetics: Rromantic, historical sensibilities. Lingerie. Feminine and edgy. Mythical. Classic. Pared down. Confusing.

Elisa uses herself as the dress form. She is really letting her hippie flag fly! Christian sums it up:

“She’s a rain goddess woman. She’s like all spiritual in the Himalayan Mountains. She’s a little strange.”

Tim comes around and starts evaluating their pieces so far, telling Elisa that she really needs to think about whether or not she’s taken the garment as far as it can go. Elisa seems to think she has, so she leaves the workroom early to go take a nap on the couch. Everyone else starts talking out of their necks about it. Let me take this second to remind the designers that hello, it’s a competition. What the hell do you care if she goes to sleep early while you think her dress is crap? Let the hippie get some sleep!

Don’t go into your fear box, people!

We come back from commercial and it’s the next morning. The first thing we see is Jack in his boxer briefs, moisturizing himself. Bravo clearly understands its core audience. Elisa’s doing her yoga.

Can I just say? I’m totally loving Christian. You just know he’s going to be the total bitchy queen you can't help falling in love with. Although I am not loving his Mission Street hipster hairdo, I hope he doesn’t get kicked off this episode. Or for a while.

Elisa tells her model that she needs to measure her body with her hands. “I need to hand measure you.” Hand measuring: It’s a verb, ya’ll.

It’s a few minutes before the first runway show, and everyone is frantically trying to finish their dresses, while Christian talks about the lousy hand sewing that’s going on all up in here. He’s talking to you, Simone!

On to the runway!

This episode’s judges are Michael Kors, NINAGARCIA, and Monique Lhuillier. Never heard of the bitch.

Let’s start the show!

On the whole, and with a few exceptions, I think the designers’ dresses were somewhat … ugly. And there are too many designers right now for me to even want to dissect them individually.

Heidi dismisses nine of the designers who’ve made it to the next round. The remaining six designers Christian (quirky tailor), Simone (dressed in the dark), Rami (chic, sophisticated, but M.O.B.), Ricky (sweet but safe, kinda boring, nice), Victoria (sweet with a twist), and Elisa (you had me at hello, but you didn’t know when to stop) stay behind for a deeper critique.

Elisa needs to stay for a while, just on the strength of her descriptions with sound effects alone. Plus, how can you hate on someone who inspires Heidi to make the following assessment:

“Elisa’s dress looked like her model was pooing fabric.”

Do you see what I’m saying?

Anyhoo. Rami wins the challenge and has immunity for the next challenge. Rami is hot. Especially when he says “wonderful.” I think I have a slight crush on Rami.

Simone gets the Auf.

See you next week!

Nov 10, 2007

Set it off

Lucky bitch. I will concede, however, that this may be a little ... inconvenient at times:
SarahCarmen, 24, says the Permanent Sexual Arousal Syndrome that she suffers from can cause her to have orgasm at any time of day.

She explained: "Anything can set me off. Even the hairdryers cause funny pulsations through my body.

"As a skin care specialist I have to use tools which vibrate a lot of the time for micro-dermabrasion and they sometimes set me off.

"I find if I'm nervous I'm less likely to get over-excited. So sometimes I try to psyche myself up and worry to control my orgasms.

"Some of my regular customers know my problem. But with new clients it's hard to explain.

"I have been in the middle of a treatment and it's happened and I've had to carry on.

"I was doing a bikini wax and you have to really concentrate and keep your hands very still, and mine go a bit wobbly when I orgasm.

"I had to pretend I had cramp in my foot and just stood there wriggling around on the spot and stifling my moans until it was over."

(Props to C&D for the link.)

Nov 7, 2007

Oh, we're gonna make it work.

I know I haven't posted regularly; I've been busy. Don't judge me!

But my favorite reality show, Project Runway, is starting up again next week.

Of course I'll do episode recaps - I need to get people coming to this blog for more than just that damn Brazilian bikini wax post.

Nov 6, 2007

Terrorists in the Bay Area?

I don't know for certain, but if there are, you can be sure those anti-terrorism experts are on top of it.

How, you ask?

By analyzing falafel sales in the Bay Area.

No, seriously. Because EVERYBODY KNOWS that if you eat falafel, you must be a terrorist.
Like Hansel and Gretel hoping to follow their bread crumbs out of the forest, the FBI sifted through customer data collected by San Francisco-area grocery stores in 2005 and 2006, hoping that sales records of Middle Eastern food would lead to Iranian terrorists.

The idea was that a spike in, say, falafel sales, combined with other data, would lead to Iranian secret agents in the south San Francisco-San Jose area.

The brainchild of top FBI counterterrorism officials Phil Mudd and Willie T. Hulon, according to well-informed sources, the project didn’t last long. It was torpedoed by the head of the FBI’s criminal investigations division, Michael A. Mason, who argued that putting somebody on a terrorist list for what they ate was ridiculous — and possibly illegal.
Stop the insanity!

(Props to The Carpetbagger for the heads up.)

Nov 5, 2007

Sexy vs. Pretty

One man's opinion:

For a woman to be sexy in a man's eyes she must possess at least some of these qualities:

1. She must be able to dress classy but provocatively, regardless of her career, and she should care less about what people think...never forgets, she's a woman first.

2. She should take care of herself physically. However, that doesn't mean she has to be a specific body type or weight, it simply implies she can't dress or look lazy.

3. Sexy women walk with a slow and definite confidence...not march or, conversely, slump around.

4. She makes eye contact

5. Her perfume should be present but not over-powering.

6. She can't have a "sour puss" or get up on a soapbox and complain all the time.

7. It's best if her hair is clean and of feminine length.

8. She should be able to hold down a solid conversation and have her own opinions.

9. She should be able to take a joke...even if it's dirty.

10. She should never be on her phone, chewing gum, and laughing like a hyena caught in a bear trap.
I want to say something about why I'm still single here, but I can't even think of anything witty to say at the moment.

Anyway. Talk amongst yourselves.